


Like I Said, I Thought I Was Focused

by poselikeateam



Series: The Witcher - Songfics and Song-Inspired [1]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author has ADHD, Bisexual Disaster Jaskier | Dandelion, Bisexual Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Communication, Communication Failure, Disaster Jaskier | Dandelion, Emotionally Constipated Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Everyone has ADHD, F/M, Feral Jaskier | Dandelion, Fluff, Geralt of Rivia has ADHD, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Apologizes, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Has Feelings, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Loves Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Whump, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is Bad at Apologies, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is Bad at Communicating, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is Bad at Feelings, Hurt Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Insecure Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion Being a Feral Bastard, Jaskier | Dandelion Has ADHD, Jaskier | Dandelion Has Feelings, Jaskier | Dandelion Loves Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Jaskier | Dandelion is a Mess, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read, Oh wait I do, POV Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, POV Jaskier | Dandelion, Pining, Soft Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Song: West Virginia by The Front Bottoms, Songfic, i don't make the rules, of course Jaskier uses Fiverr, the front bottoms - Freeform, there isn't a tag for that, which is frankly insulting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24211267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poselikeateam/pseuds/poselikeateam
Summary: Modern AU/Songfic based on West Virginia by The Front Bottoms.Geralt knows that he's not the best at communicating, and he knows that he needs to apologise. Jaskier deserves the best apology, the prettiest words, and Geralt... can't do that. So, he does the most logical thing instead:He hires Jaskier to write it for him.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Series: The Witcher - Songfics and Song-Inspired [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1778191
Comments: 33
Kudos: 224
Collections: Interesting Character and/or Interesting Relationship Development





	Like I Said, I Thought I Was Focused

**Author's Note:**

> I think getting carpal tunnel surgery was a mistake, because now that my hands work, I'm TOO productive. 
> 
> So I have ADHD and I'm fully aware that I'm hyperfixating on the Witcher right now. I'm also projecting, but I'm allowed, because I'm worth it. 
> 
> I basically wrote Jaskier and Geralt as the two opposite extremes of my own ADHD. Geralt is essentially the time I focused so hard on paying attention to my boss when she was talking that I didn't hear a word she said, and Jaskier is the time I got bored and started to teach myself Italian. Geralt is constantly overstimulated and Jaskier is constantly understimulated. Geralt doesn't know how to talk and Jaskier doesn't know how to shut the fuck up. Geralt doesn't realise he's feeling something until someone points it out and Jaskier feels so many things at once that he just boils over sometimes.
> 
> You get the idea.
> 
> Basically I was listening to Spotify and West Virginia came on and the part where it says "I had to organise my words good before they fall right out my mouth" had me immediately thinking about Geralt, and then I wrote way too many words. So, uh, cheers.

Okay, look.

Geralt isn't an idiot. Really. He's just... not great with words. Or people. Or feelings. 

He's _not_ stupid, he's just... a little socially inept, if you ask Jaskier. 

And that's sort of the meat of the problem.

He knows that he's not great with words, always _has_ known. He's quick to biting snark, especially when the situation doesn't call for it. He doesn't think before he talks, so usually, he just doesn't talk. The problem with that is when you've known someone as long as he's known Jaskier, well... you start to get comfortable. 

Yes, okay, he's always been fully aware that he shouldn't get comfortable. When you get comfortable, you get dead, he's known this since he was a _child_. He never meant to form attachments, but, well, it happened anyway. It started with a boy following him out of a bar years ago, and really, it all snowballed from there.

All of this is really detracting from the simple fact that Geralt is fully aware that he's fucked up. He has to pause, catch his breath, catalogue his thoughts. He decides to make a list, not necessarily ordered, just bullet points. It helps, okay? He pulls out his phone and opens the notes, and tries to organise the jumble in his head.

So this is what he comes up with, in the end: Jaskier is important to him. Jaskier values words. He is bad at words. He used the wrong words. He has been using the wrong words for a _long_ time. He has also avoided the right words for just as long.

That is to say, he needs to apologise.

Geralt knows that he really should have apologised millions of times over the years, and he's honestly pretty lucky to have avoided it for this long. He's also a _colossal_ asshole.

Despite having always tried to be a loner with no attachments, to avoid hurting himself and others, people have come into his life and been fucked over by his decisions anyway. He just never shifted his paradigm to accomodate it. 

The point is, of course, he is not very attentive when it comes to his loved ones and has long since decided that any choice he makes in their best interests will probably have the worst possible consequences. He knows that he needs to be better, so he's been trying — he has these games on his phone that Ciri helped him find, spot-the-difference and memory games and such, in an effort to train himself into being more attentive to things that aren't work-related. 

Of course, it hasn't been enough, and he hadn't really thought it would be, but he didn't know how to do better. He still doesn't. He has to try, though.

What happened was this: he and Jaskier had a fight. The details are too sharp in the wrong places and too fuzzy in what matters, and he hates that, trying to force himself to focus harder. He and Yennefer had gotten into what he knew was their final breakup, and it had given him way too much to think about. He knew that they weren't really good for each other romantically — the sex was great, but they brought out the worst in each other on the best days. She said something about how he'd been pining over his roommate for years and that... threw him way off. 

Had he?

So when he came home, he hoped for a little peace and quiet to be able to figure this shit out. He needed _time_ , maybe a spreadsheet or something, he didn't know. He had a lot of things to analyse and he _really_ doesn't like being surprised by anything. Jaskier was all smiles and invaded his personal bubble like he always did but this time it was _too much_ and he didn't know how to react so he—

Well, he snapped. 

And he should have known better, but he'd done it anyway, so clearly he didn't. He lashed out at Jaskier because of some stupid fight with his on-again-off-again girlfriend and his own inability to understand his feelings, and he'd fucked everything up.

The worst part? Jaskier isn't talking to him.

Sure, when they'd first met, maybe he thought that would be some kind of blessing, but a cold shoulder from the other man is honestly horrible. They live together, so he can't ignore him entirely, but it’s all just terse and cordial. It seems that Jaskier is taking a page out of Geralt's book when it comes to communicating, and he only _has_ two pages: snark, and one-word answers. Jaskier took the latter.

It has been weeks now, and he's actually starting to worry that Jaskier is going to move out and leave him behind altogether. That kind of thing is... more than he could handle, and why he always tried not to make attachments. He never liked rejection but he attracts it like a magnet, so he always tried to isolate himself so that it could never happen to him. That, clearly, never actually worked. 

Well, it mostly worked, but not where it counted, and now it seems his best friend is suddenly taking a hint he'd dropped years ago that he doesn't mean anymore. He doesn't want the other man gone but he doesn't know if he can stop it now that he's finally gotten the ball rolling, and—

Okay.

Breathe.

Geralt forces himself to calm down, meditates for a while. It helps him focus, control his feelings, come up with a plan. It has always helped him ever since Vesemir had taught him when he was little. Gradually, as he calms, he forms a plan of action.

**

Jaskier is honestly fucking irritated. He doesn't know why he lets himself get stomped all over by his idiot roommate-slash-best-friend-slash-secret-love-of-his-life. Oh. Okay, yeah, he can kind of see why — but he doesn't deserve it! He knows that Geralt has communication issues and he has always tried to take it in stride and get to the root of what he was really saying, but this? This is too much.

No way in hell does Geralt get to just come home and lash out at Jaskier because he's broken up with Yennefer for the trillion-billion-gazillionth time. Sure, he knows Geralt is hurt, he was just licking his wounds, but he's not a fucking _dog_. 

So he has been giving him what Jaskier privately thinks of as the "Geralt Treatment": one-word answers only, and if he has to use more words, use as few as possible. Don't speak unless spoken to. Occasionally make them ask more than once. 

And okay, he knows it's a little unfair to throw that back at him: it's not Geralt's _fault_ that he has the social skills of a raw potato, and as much as Jaskier makes fun of him he knows that Geralt really _does_ try. He hasn't gotten the Geralt Treatment himself for years now. But still. Jaskier is the pettiest bitch he's ever met, if he does say so himself, and is now _also_ licking his wounds, and he isn't ready to give it up quite yet.

The thing is, he knows that he's a lot. He talks a mile a minute, he starts ten projects before he finishes one, he interrupts people constantly. If he finds something that actually manages to grab his focus, time _stops_. He pays all of his attention to that thing until either it's done or he's forced away from it — or, of course, something else catches his fickle attention. He has to be constantly moving and he knows that it's a lot for most people, especially people like Geralt who try so _hard_ to focus but also, unfortunately, have the attention span of a toddler on cocaine; who get overwhelmed _very_ easily when there's too much going on and shut down until they can reboot and try again.

And, yes, Geralt isn't a computer, even if he does appear to have the same emotional range as one, but he does tend to act like he has a fucking CPU so Jaskier doesn't take it back, thank you very much.

The point (there was a point? Right, the point) is that he's pissed at Geralt because he's tired of being kicked around, and he knows that Geralt might not realise the extent of his asshole-ish-ness, so he feels like he needs to make it _abundantly_ clear. And, well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

Jaskier is so used to sharing his thoughts and feelings in a sort of stream-of-consciousness way with Geralt that he found out, pretty quickly, that he was going to need something to do to fill the expressive gap. He's getting to the point with his music where he has a tiny following, where he's played shows and come home buzzing from the high of a receptive audience bigger than a coffee shop. Somehow, based on his slightly-more-than-vague success, he made a few leaps in logic that even he's kind of fuzzy on, and ended up on Fiverr. Of course, he doesn't log in too often (he kind of forgets _a lot_ ) but he figures there's no time like the present, so he's decided to just focus all of his restless energy on that for a while.

It works, more or less — he's getting money even if it is for little shit like "my sister loves u can u sing hapy birthday thx" more often than not, and if he wants to talk to anyone about it, well, he'll just write a song or ten.

He's fine.

Okay, he might be suffering even more than Geralt at this point. He wouldn't really know, since he's been avoiding the man like the plague, but he knows that this is rough enough on him that even his pettiness is almost not enough to keep him going. 

In fact, he's just resolved to finally start talking to Geralt again, when he gets a message that has his blood boiling.

"Hello," it reads, "I have recently been having problems with someone very close to me. I have come to realise that I truly love this person, but I hurt them, and do not know if they will ever talk to me again if I do not apologise. The problem with this, is that I am not very good at that sort of thing. Communication is very difficult for me. The person I care about values words and promises where I am more of a man of action. I want to express to them that I am very sad and sorry about the hurt I have caused, and that they are important to me. We have known each other for a long time and being without this person's company is very difficult for me. I was hoping that you would be able to write and record a song based on these things, because I know that you are very good with words and feelings where I am not. I really love this person, but I need help expressing it the right way. I will gladly pay any extra price for the specific services I have requested. Thank you. -G."

And he isn't really sure what part of this is shittier: that Geralt clearly wrote it, that he obviously rewrote it about a hundred times, that it is as carefully worded as a high school student's email to a teacher who hates them, that Geralt went to _him_ to write a song that's _obviously_ to help him get back together with Yennefer, that he apparently tried to _hide_ that it was him, that Geralt has shown more raw emotion in this terribly-written Fiverr request than he probably has in their entire friendship—

Yeah, there's a lot about this that pisses him off, actually. Jaskier almost wants to be flattered, so he lets himself for a moment. Geralt knows that he's good at what he does and he's acknowledged that. He obviously needs Jaskier's services, and he at least is fully aware that Jaskier probably won't want to help him because, he cannot stress enough, Geralt is a _fucking dick_. His full name comes up with the payment information so he didn't do the best job at hiding that it was him, but he's about as tech-savvy as a mummified corpse, so Jaskier thinks he can let that slide.

See, the thing is, he has a soft spot for Geralt. He always has and he always will and he's just resigned himself a long time ago to that being his lot in life. As much as it pisses him off, he knows he's going to help, because Geralt needs him and that makes him feel warm and honestly, Geralt does deserve to be happy, even if it's with a woman who doesn't deserve him or treat him right—

He has to calm down. Breathe. Taking a deep breath in through his nose, he accepts the request, and gets to work. Because the thing is, he is going to help, but nobody said he couldn't also be a little vindictive with it.

The best way to start this, he decides, is slowly. Just guitar, a little rain sound in the background for effect, a bit of a plaintive tone:

_"Is it raining where you are?"  
The only thing I could think to ask  
But nothing ever hurt so bad  
As the no that you said back_

This is a good start, he thinks; it shows that the person who commissioned this is trying desperately to find a way to connect with the person they pissed off, and the person doesn't want to take the olive branch. Maybe they don't even know that it _is_ an olive branch, and are just irritated that it isn't a straight-up apology. He speeds up just a little, and continues:

_But ain't that the truth, man?  
Those are just facts  
The farther you go from where you start  
The harder it is to get back_

He'd said that he'd been in love with this person for ages, so Jaskier decides to play with it a little. Maybe he doesn't know that this is from Geralt to Yennefer. Maybe he's assuming that it's from someone who's in love with their best friend. 

(Maybe he's putting a little too much of himself into the song he's writing for Geralt.)

Regardless, it stays. It could, he reasons, be interpreted as the person who fucked up wanting to go back to the way things were, but knowing that they've fucked up so badly or left it so long that if they leave it any longer, it's not going to be able to go back to the way things were. Maybe it's an admission that things can never be the same again whether they apologise or not.

_Love of my life,  
Gone forever  
Love of my life,  
Gone for good_

Yeah, maybe he's rolling with the "things will never go back to normal" thing. Maybe he's kind of hoping they won't — he's made it very clear over the years that Geralt and Yennefer were a _terrible_ couple, and it honestly doesn't even have as much to do with his enormous crush as one might think. They fight like alley cats and probably fuck just as viciously (especially if the one time he'd walked in on them was anything to go by). But even if he isn't taking his feelings into account, even if he's still trying to at least consider the pretense that this is for a stranger, it fits: it's plaintive, it's an admission of guilt. It's screaming, "I definitely fucked this up and I know that I've lost you". Sometimes that's the best way to get someone back.

_The good stuff comes  
The good stuff goes  
The good stuff seems so hard to hold  
Hope it slides slowly down your throat  
So the taste of it may linger_

_Right now I'm just a volcano  
(Like I said)  
On the brink of eruption  
(Like I said!)  
Right now I'm just a psycho  
Hell bent on self-destruction_

He repeats the last line a few times, putting more emotion into it as he does, then repeats the chorus — the 'love of my life' bit. Jaskier knows that he's cheating; he knows Geralt personally, after all, but Geralt _did_ ask him for a very personal piece so of course he's going to do what he can.

And he knows that Geralt and rejection go together like bleach and ammonia: a disaster waiting to happen. Geralt, as a matter of fact, had spent so long depriving himself of literally _any fucking good thing_ because he was so afraid of when it would leave him. Jaskier has mostly broken him of that, he likes to think, but he knows that Geralt still tries to push away the good things in his life without even knowing it. It's exhausting. So, 'the good stuff' is the people who care about him, and he hopes that Geralt can learn to savour the good things in life. And yeah, the song isn't written _to Geralt_ but he can absolutely argue that it's the person telling their beloved that they deserve nice things, and those nice things should linger as long as possible. Maybe it's implying that their relationship is one of those things.

(As fucking if.)

And Geralt is kind of alarmingly self-destructive sometimes. He is a master at sabotaging his own happiness. When he has strong emotions, he's volatile, because he doesn't know how to process them. So he's probably about to burst out of his own fucking skin, and nobody's going to get hurt but himself.

And Jaskier.

Moving on.

He adds _I wish I may, I wish I might one day live life like a person in paradise_ and then repeats the last bits, and the chorus, and then he gets an idea.

_Ride or die  
Brothers for life  
Darkest days  
Coldest nights_

This is repeated once more. It's, obviously, about himself. He is Geralt's best friend. They've been together through each other's darkest days _and_ coldest nights. They're close. He wants to remind Geralt, hey, I'm here too! I've been here for you more than she has! And he knows that that's ridiculous, and he can't really justify it with the theme he's had going up til now, but... he also kind of doesn't care? He deserves it. He's giving himself this. 

_There ain't no doctor on earth  
There ain't no Lord up above  
Who knows a strong enough medicine  
Or a life-saving love_

Maybe he's getting a little too brazen, but he seriously doesn't care. In fact, he cares less and less the more he writes. It's a plea: nothing can save you from yourself. Nothing can save you from her. You think you love her but it isn't everything, it can't solve your problems. It's also, of course, a plea to the lover it's written to address: nothing can save me from the heartbreak that being without you brings me.

The next part is... well. At this point he is _way_ more emotionally invested than he thought he was going to let himself get. It's sort of shouted more than it is sung, and it's kind of... a personal attack, if he's being honest.

_Like I said, I thought I was focused  
I thought I had it figured out  
I had to organise my words good  
Before they fall right out my mouth  
And I had learned that the direction  
I was walking was so wrong  
I just need a little help, here, man!  
To find the path I should be on_

For as long as Jaskier has known him Geralt has always thought he was focusing, and ironically he's always focusing so hard on focusing that he doesn't actually focus on what he's trying to focus on. Jaskier knows he's trying, but if the man would just accept some fucking help once in a while, if he didn't try to figure out everything on his own, it would be so much easier. He _needs_ to learn to rely on others, like him, who are so fucking willing to give him the help and support that he needs but refuses to fucking take. 

Obviously, the bad grammar of 'I had to organise my words good' is intentional, meant to highlight how utterly inept Geralt is at communication. And, well, he sort of isn't. He just communicates in his own way that no one else bothers to learn. Jaskier gets it — it's frustrating to try to figure out at first, but Geralt is actually so expressive. He's bad at _conventional_ methods of communication, but fuck conventional. (Jaskier's always wanted that on a t-shirt: "FUCK CONVENTIONAL" in like, rainbow letters on a neon pink background. It has to be as garish as possible. One day, his dream will come true.) 

Geralt, when he does have to communicate in a way different than is comfortable for him, does so in one of two ways. He'll either just say whatever comes to mind, or spend a fucking lifetime and a half trying to organise his words so that it comes out perfectly. Both, of course, tend to not end well for him. 

He sort of gets back to the whole grovelling, 'please take me back, pretty goth lady' shit that he was actually hired to do halfway through. Admitting, as Geralt, that while he's always so sure that what he is doing is right, he almost always learns that no, actually, he really just fucked that one up. As Geralt, he does the one thing he wishes Geralt would do (and, he supposes, that Geralt _did_ sort of finally do when commissioning him to write this train wreck): he pleads for help. 

That is to say, he acknowledges that he's fucked up even though he was sure that he was right, and then accepts that he can't find the right course of action on his own. He can't just keep deciding what's good for other people without asking them. He means well but he's _terrible_ at it. 

Jaskier realises he's almost done, and repeats the chorus one more time, and then _most_ of the chorus once more, but the second time, instead of _gone for good_ he replaces it with a final plea to the woman who, at least in love, Jaskier is bitterly jealous of:

_Get her back?_   
_Good Lord_  
_You know, I wish I could._

**

The words are done, and he's more or less got the melody down at the same time. He's scribbling frantically, writing out the rest of it, testing sounds. Thankfully they got his room soundproofed _ages_ ago. If Geralt ever marries Yennefer and moves out (which is honestly probably Jaskier's worst nightmare, after giant spiders and that one where his bed is floating and being circled by an alligator), Jaskier will probably find another roommate, because his music room is perfect.

He isn't really sure how long it takes him to finish writing, then practising, then recording each part of the song; then he edits the audio, splices it all together, and records a video of himself singing over the backing track he's made. When all is said and done, though, he has what he doesn't want to admit is probably his most fleshed-out, professionally-recorded piece _ever_. If only it wasn't for the sole purpose of the love of his life continuing to stick it in crazy.

UGH.

Jaskier thinks he should _really_ be charging more for this, but again, he has such an enormous soft spot for Geralt. Besides, Geralt didn't ask him to put in _this_ much time and effort, he'd just suddenly been inspired to, probably mostly because of hurt and spite. 

Regardless, when it's finally finished, he sends the piece to the "anonymous" person who'd commissioned it, and then just bonelessly collapses into his chair.

**

Geralt is _not_ stupid. 

Yes, he does stupid things, and frequently, but he isn't stupid. When he has a plan, he follows it to the best of his abilities. When he has a _really good_ plan, he does everything in his power to get it done as quickly as possible so that nothing can fuck it up.

So, he hadn't given himself any time to second guess himself when he'd sent Jaskier that request. He knows he isn't the best at technology, to Jaskier and Ciri's infinite amusement and irritation (depending on the situation), but sometimes that works to his advantage. Admittedly, he might pretend to be worse with technology than he actually is so he gets a little more of a break. He's at least ninety percent sure that Jaskier thinks he doesn't know how to turn the TV on and off. It's hilarious. He's never going to tell him.

The point is, he knows that his name is on his PayPal and he's used his PayPal for the Fiverr thing, but Jaskier doesn't know that he knows that. Jaskier might not even know that Geralt knows that he does the Fiverr thing, actually — Jaskier had told him when he started, but the little lark is so forgetful that he often doesn't remember whether he's told someone something. Also, he probably assumed Geralt wasn't listening if he does remember. 

That's another thing to feel guilty about, but later, when he has the time.

Geralt has intentionally made the request vague, while being as detailed as possible. If he knows Jaskier (and he'd fucking better, they've been friends longer than he wants to admit; he'd already known Jaskier for years the day he accidentally became Ciri's godfather, and that was before the girl was even _born_ ) he is going to assume that Geralt wants to apologise to Yennefer. Jaskier has had an enormous, Yennefer-shaped chip on his shoulder since he'd met her.

Now that he's had the time to think, he has figured out that it is more likely than not that she was right, and he is hopelessly (and stupidly) in love with his best friend. The thing is, if he's reading things right (and he really thinks he is), Jaskier also loved him.

He's not sure if he still _does_ after how Geralt lashed out at him, but he really hopes that he still does. 

Jaskier has dealt with him for so long he doesn't really know what his life would be like without him. Dull, definitely. Quiet, but he's come to realise that he'd actually hate it that way. Jaskier has gotten to know him in a way that honestly no one else, his family aside, ever has. Even Yennefer always compared him to an ideal of what he _should_ be, in her eyes, and what he _actually was_ would never be as good as the version of him in her mind's eye. 

He could talk to Jaskier in a comfortable sort of way that he could only ever talk to his dog, Roach. Animals never seemed to judge him, or expect anything of him. They're patient and kind and aren't bothered by what you say to them, but what you do. Jaskier has always, more or less, been the same way. He doesn't feel like there's some expectation to be better, to know what "better" means and conform to it without being given a hint, when it comes to Jaskier. More often than not, when Jaskier expects something from him, he says it. He makes Geralt feel accepted, and he never thought that anyone would.

So Jaskier is immensely important to him, but based on that, based on his memories and the things that Jaskier has put up with because of him and done for him... he's relatively sure that, at least before this fight, Jaskier had been in love with him. If his plan goes the way it's supposed to, he's hoping that Jaskier loves him still, and they can try to do something with this. 

Geralt has never been comfortable just sitting back and waiting. Now that he knows how he feels, he needs to _do_ something about it.

Anyway, he's getting distracted — he'd commissioned Jaskier to write a song that he knew the other man would probably assume was an apology to Yennefer, but in reality was an apology to him. Because the thing is, Geralt isn't good with words, and he never has been and he never will be. He knows that, and Jaskier knows that, and he thinks that if he apologised in his own way it would probably be enough, but—

Jaskier deserves more.

He deserves the best, most poetic and heartfelt and beautiful apology that could possibly be written. He deserves _everything_. He also happens to be the one person Geralt knows who could give him that. And Geralt has always been a man of action, and he's hoping against hope that this merging of action and words — that hiring Jaskier to write himself an apology from him — will come across as heartfelt as intended, rather than as stupid as it sounds.

So when Jaskier finally sends him the song (he says finally, but he's actually awed at how fast the man can work when he's putting his all into it) he listens to it, definitely does not choke up a little, and then.

He emails it to Jaskier directly.

**

What the fuck.

Jaskier has poured his heart and soul into a song for Geralt to apologise to a woman that Jaskier doesn't think he should be with and Geralt just sends the fucking thing back to him?

It's weird. It isn't sent to his Fiverr account, but his personal email. There's no mistaking that it's sent from Geralt Wolfe to Julian Pankratz, and he doesn't even know how Geralt managed to fuck the process up _that_ badly but if he's trying to return it like a fucking sweater Jaskier might actually kill him.

So he does the only logical thing and stomps over to Geralt's room, punching at the door like it's just insulted Geralt in a bar.

He actually almost manages to punch Geralt in the face, because he hasn't stopped knocking when Geralt suddenly opens the door, and when faced with the man the wind kind of falls out of his sails. 

"What the fuck are you playing at?" he demands, and okay, he hasn't _entirely_ lost steam. 

Geralt's brow furrows in that way it does when something is going the exact opposite of how he's planned it and Jaskier's heart does _not_ melt because _fuck you_ , he's _angry_. "What do you mean?" and if it was possible for this hulking slab of muscle to sound small, well, there it is.

"You hired me to write a song — and don't deny it, I know it was you — and then emailed it back to me?" Jaskier crosses his arms, frowning at his roommate. "So, what, you don't like it? It's not good enough for your lady, is that it?"

Geralt gapes at him for a moment. "Jaskier, no, I." He pauses, trying to work out what to say, and of course Jaskier lets him. How else are they supposed to have a conversation? "I'm not... the best at talking to people," he finally says, and Jaskier rolls his eyes, but he continues. "You deserve the nicest words, and I can't do that. I can't talk, but I can do. But _you_ are smoothest talker I've ever met. I don't think anyone else could give you the apology that you deserve."

And wow. 

Okay.

Of all the things that he was expecting, Jaskier has to admit that this wasn't it. Also, it's endearing as fuck.

"Y-you mean it wasn't for Yennefer?" he asks, and hates how insecure he sounds, but he can't help but be hung up on that.

"No," Geralt says, stepping towards him. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was overwhelmed. Yen gave me a lot to think about."

And yeah, Jaskier knew that it wasn't about him, but it still stung. He might even admit that he wouldn't have reacted so poorly if it wasn't right after Geralt came home from Yennefer's place. He just... really feels a certain way about her. It brings out his ugly side.

"Do you want to talk about it now?" Jaskier asks, because Geralt _does_ need to talk to someone besides the fucking dog every once in a while, and he has kind of dropped the ball on being that someone in the last few weeks.

Geralt frowns at him. "Yes," he says, "but I'm not sure how."

Jaskier smiles encouragingly, taking his hand and leading them both to sit on Geralt's bed. "Take your time," he says, "it's almost like I live here."

That gets a sort of laugh out of Geralt, and Jaskier hates (loves) what that does to his insides.

"So, I'm not great with my own feelings," Geralt says, and it takes everything in Jaskier to not roll his eyes again.

"I am fully aware of that, my dearest," he says with frankly minimal snark.

"Sometimes — a lot of times — people have to tell me what I'm feeling before I can really process it," Geralt adds. "And Yen told me that, uh. She thinks I'm in love with you."

Jaskier actually doesn't have a snide remark for that.

"So I wanted to think about it, and I panicked and lashed out instead." Geralt shakes his head. "She was right, by the way. I've been in love with you."

"You're taking the piss," Jaskier chokes out, because what the Kentucky fried fuck else could he possibly say to that?

"I'm not. I love you. It just took, admittedly, an embarrassing amount of time and effort to figure out."

"Oh."

They're silent. Jaskier is staring at Geralt like he hung the stars in the fucking sky, and Geralt looks nervous (his version of 'looking nervous', of course). Now Jaskier's words are failing him, and his brain, as it often does, starts working a mile a minute. He kisses Geralt.

Geralt kisses back.

"I thought," Jaskier says against his lips, "since you tried to give me pretty words... I could return the favour. Try to do what’s important to _you_.”

Geralt smiles at him and kisses him again. It's nothing short of perfect.


End file.
